Quiet the Critic, Hear the Hero: Building Self-Compassion

There’s a Cherokee parable that perfectly captures the battle between the inner critic and the inner voice.

As human beings, we often face an unrelenting mental dialogue—those moments when a harsh, internal voice constantly critiques our every move. Whether it’s related to our careers, relationships, or even just day-to-day decision-making, this voice can often be debilitating. You may know this voice all too well: the inner critic.

But there's another voice within us—the one that encourages us to grow, supports us through challenges, and believes in our potential. This is the inner voice, the compassionate and wise part of us that often gets drowned out by the critic. The question is: how do we silence that critic and tap into the voice that genuinely supports our well-being?

To explore this, we can turn to an ancient parable—the story of the two wolves.

The Parable of the Two Wolves

There’s a Cherokee parable that perfectly captures the battle between the inner critic and the inner voice. It goes like this:

One evening, an elderly Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil—it is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The other is good—it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

This story captures the essence of the struggle many men face with their inner critic. The "evil" wolf represents the inner critic, filled with harsh judgments, unrealistic expectations, and feelings of inadequacy. On the other hand, the "good" wolf symbolizes your inner voice—the wise, compassionate part of yourself that encourages growth and self-acceptance.

But how do we feed the right wolf?

Understanding the Inner Critic

The inner critic often stems from years of accumulated experiences, societal expectations, and self-doubt. Maybe you’ve internalized messages from childhood about what it means to be a man—be tough, don’t show weakness, always succeed. Or perhaps you've felt pressure in your career to constantly perform, leading to feelings of imposter syndrome and self-doubt.

This inner critic thrives on negative self-talk, perpetuating thoughts like:

• "You're not good enough."

• "You always mess up."

• "Other people are more successful than you."

It’s as though this voice has a constant stream of criticism ready to diminish your self-worth.

While the inner critic can sometimes motivate us to improve, it often crosses the line into self-sabotage, blocking us from seeing our full potential and keeping us trapped in patterns of negative thinking. But remember, this voice is part of you. It means well, even if its methods are harsh. Challenge it gratefully but with resolve.

Finding and Tapping into Your Inner Voice

On the flip side, your inner voice is the part of you that knows better. This voice is empathetic, understanding, and grounded in reality. Instead of berating you for mistakes, it encourages you to learn from them. Instead of comparing yourself to others, it reminds you that you are on your own journey.

The inner voice can be hard to hear at first. But finding and nurturing this voice with intentional practice, especially when the inner critic has been fed for years, can be life changing. So how do we start feeding the good wolf—the inner voice?

1. Recognize the Inner Critic's Voice

The first step in changing any behavior is awareness. Start by paying attention to the thoughts that arise throughout your day. Do you frequently criticize yourself when you make a mistake? Are you quick to judge yourself harshly? Write these thoughts down to bring them into consciousness. Once you’ve identified the inner critic’s voice, you can begin to challenge it.

2. Question the Critic's Validity

Your inner critic often makes sweeping, negative generalizations that simply aren’t true. When a critical thought comes up, ask yourself: Is this thought based on fact, or is it just a reaction? Could there be a more balanced perspective? By questioning these thoughts, you can begin to diminish their power.

For example, if your critic says, “You always fail,” ask yourself if that’s really true. Has there ever been a time when you succeeded, even if in small ways? Reframing your thoughts in this way can slowly weaken the inner critic’s traction in your mind.

3. Start Listening to Your Inner Voice

Once you’ve created some distance from your inner critic, you can begin tuning into your inner voice. This is the part of you that speaks kindly, offers support, and reminds you of your strengths. When you’re in a tough situation, ask yourself, “What would my best friend say to me right now?” This simple shift can help you access a more compassionate, balanced perspective.

You might also consider journaling as a way to directly communicate with your inner voice. Write down your thoughts and feelings, and then respond from the place of your inner voice. Over time, this practice can help you strengthen that part of yourself.

4. Challenge Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often the inner critic’s best friend. Many men feel the pressure to "get it right" in every aspect of life—whether it's their career, relationships, or personal goals. But here's the truth: no one is perfect, and striving for perfection often leads to frustration and burnout.

Challenge this mindset by setting realistic expectations. Allow yourself room to make mistakes and grow. Embrace the idea of being "good enough" rather than perfect. This shift will help silence the inner critic and invite the inner voice to guide you with more compassion.

5. Feed the Right Wolf

As the parable suggests, the wolf that wins is the one you feed. If you consistently indulge the inner critic, it will grow stronger, and its voice will dominate your thoughts. But if you intentionally feed your inner voice—by practicing self-compassion, challenging negative thoughts, and embracing your inherent worth—you'll find that this voice becomes stronger, more present, and more empowering.

Mindfulness can be a powerful tool in feeding the right wolf. By staying present, you can observe your thoughts without judgment, creating space to choose which ones to nurture and which to let go.

Moving Forward: Choose the Voice You Want to Follow

Ultimately, the inner critic and the inner voice are both part of the human experience. But you have the power to decide which one you’ll listen to more often. While the inner critic may never fully disappear, you can quiet its influence by regularly choosing to engage with your inner voice—the voice that empowers, supports, and encourages your growth.

As you move forward, remember the lesson of the two wolves: the one you feed is the one that thrives. Choose to feed the wolf that brings you joy, peace, and self-compassion.

If you’re in Denver and struggling with the inner critic, therapy can help. Together, we can work to identify the roots of your inner critic and strengthen the inner voice that leads you to a healthier, more fulfilling life.